How should I put it?
I’ve always been a middling sort of person: not always pleasant, but not particularly vile. My grades in primary school were okay, and I was placed in an advanced class. Books were my best friends; I lost myself in fantasy worlds, preferring to exist in fictional universes rather than my own reality. I never really fit in, even at the age of 7. Sometimes accepted by peers, other times ostracized and bullied. Pretty average stuff. But, come on, who can truly say that they have always fitted in?
I think in the midst of this escapism, I prayed fervently for a miracle to happen. What exactly, I’m not sure. Perhaps for sudden fame? Something to set me apart from my peers and thus justify my inability to fit in? I didn’t want to be average. I fought hard against it, I tried hard to dream myself into a different world. Unfortunately, reality tends to be rather sobering. The fact was that I was, and still am, nothing special.
My teenage years were okay. Some good, some bad. I made some friends whom I treasure, even though we may never speak again. Sometimes I wish I just never existed, that everything I did could be erased. Sometimes I took people for granted and ended up burning bridges, isolating myself. Sometimes, I made mistakes, and sometimes I wished I were dead.
That is not to say that there were no bright spots at all. There are memories and experiences that I enjoyed very much, even though I didn’t think much of them at that time. Looking back, I should have done more to treasure these fleeting moments, and to treasure people who would move on to a different stage in life.
Like I said, I have made a lot of mistakes. I still am making mistakes. Some not so serious, some life-changing, such as allowing depression to take over my life. I thought I was fighting hard, but apparently that wasn’t enough. It seems like I can never do the right thing. It seems like I always end up disappointing the people important to me. I’ve fucked up so badly, academic failures notwithstanding.
Unfortunately, in this country, academics count for almost everything, and I’ve fucked up just about ever hurdle I’ve come across. That leaves me with very little options. I am not content to coast along and live a middling life, but what else can I do? I can neither achieve academic brilliance nor become so fucking outstanding in a chosen field or perhaps even shoot to stardom and just get paid for existing.
What am I left with? Oh yeah, the ability to write an entirely pointless post and then release it into the depths of the internet. Good. I hope this post stays as lost as i am.